Today, many Ghanaian women are in relationships with married men. They think married men are more experienced, tolerant and patient.
They believe these men will take them to places single lovers would not and provide for their needs.
To such women, relationships with married men are exhilarating, exciting and passionate. However, when everything appears to be smooth sailing, you may find yourself pregnant and begin to worry about your options.
There are four options when a woman gets pregnant by a married man. Some give the pregnancy to their single boyfriends, while others opt for abortion. Today, abortion is common in Ghana and elsewhere.
The two most popular decisions are to become a single mother or a second wife. The question is: which is better — single mother or second wife?
Advantages of being a single parent
You have the freedom to go wherever you want and whenever you want. You are not answerable to anyone and do not have to consult anyone about your decisions.
You do not have to put up with annoying behaviours or adapt to please a partner. You can ,therefore, better stabilise your emotions.
You also have control over your finances — how you earn, spend, save and invest. You have control over your time and opportunities to maximise your talents. This partly explains why many high-achieving women are single.
Disadvantages
Being single can be lonely because you do not have someone special in your life. You have to play the roles of both mum and dad at the same time.
This is never adequate because a child needs the combined care of both father and mother for holistic development.
You may ,therefore, find that, no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate. This may create panic, depression and financial constraints.
You may end up abusing your child or spoiling him or her.
You also face stigmatisation and may be given names such as born one or trailer puller. Most men want to start married life on a clean slate and may not shortlist you for marriage.
Advantages of being a second wife
You are married and for many women, any marriage is better than single life because it offers some fulfilment and a sense of security.
Some wear rings and call themselves “Mrs”. Your husband will take care of your needs.
Many argue that it is better to be polygamous than adulterous. Someone once argued that if you love a man, marry him and do not worry about being a second wife.
Today, single men are hard to find and there are not enough to go around. For example, if every man in the US married one woman today, more than eight million women in the US and four million in the UK would not have husbands.
Body no be firewood and many women accept being second wives because polygamy is accepted in almost all societies and religions.
The disadvantages
Polygamy breaks trust and commitment, the foundations of marriage. A man has to play a balancing act, sometimes lying to please both parties. Akans say you have to be a good liar to be a polygamist.
A woman sees anything important to her as an intimate part of herself. The thought that someone else shares her man hurts deeply.
She constantly worries about what her man is saying and doing with the other woman. She experiences bitterness and low self-esteem, no matter how hard she tries to hide it.
You can never have it all or give your all. This explains why the Akans say women hate “four eyes”.
In Ghanaian tradition, the first wife is considered the real wife. Any other woman is an aplanke or driver’s mate, who never gets behind the steering wheel. Today, many look down on the second wife as a husband snatcher.
Which is better?
Being a single parent has its advantages and disadvantages and so does being a second wife.
Which is better depends on factors such as your age, personality, educational level, income, occupation, family support, life values and faith.
Choose what you want and take full responsibility for your decision. We are the choices we make in life.
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The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of Your Guide to Marriage, Love Unlimited and The Journey of Love.
Mobile: 020 818 1861
