Guilt tripping children

The worst form of guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.

This is how some parents unintentionally engage their children when they need them to put up some desired behaviour. 

Unfortunately, this interaction does not affect only the children who are often taken on guilt trips by their parents and caregivers, but these adults themselves are also affected negatively.

This is why parents and caregivers must be interested in raising children in more healthy ways.

Parents who were raised by adults who communicated with them in a passive-aggressive manner usually raise their children in that same way, resulting in the generational transmission of emotional trauma.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a form of interaction whereby negative feelings are expressed indirectly through subtle behaviours that can be hurtful.

This includes an attitude of adult resentment, unwillingness to cooperate, unreasonable parenting, sarcasm or hostility in general. This behaviour is rooted in a person’s lack of ability or unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly and assertively. This is the real problem.

Guilt

Another way of parenting which may result in toxic relationships is the controlling of children’s behaviour using guilt. This is called guilt tripping.

Guilt tripping occurs when a person makes another feel guilty, to manipulate them into doing something.

This is a common parenting technique that can damage a child’s emotional well-being into adulthood.

One of the common ways we do this is by comparing our children with other children. Rather than putting their best foot forward, they tend to feel inadequate and guilty for not meeting expectations.

We must celebrate their strengths rather, and challenge them to be better versions of themselves.

Adults must not pander to the whims and caprices of their children. They must, however, learn to recognise and validate their feelings; not suppress them by making the children feel bad for having feelings.

When children are shamed, guilt is actually being used as a form of punishment. The result is that children quickly learn not to take responsibility for their actions. This is a huge loss because children should be taught to take responsibility for their actions and consequently amend their ways.

When communication between parents or caregivers and children is open and honest, children learn how to express themselves clearly.

When this fails, they are made to feel guilty for the emotions of the adults and they in turn learn how to make people feel guilty for their emotions too.

Some adults even hold grudges against children. We should rather be focused on demonstrating forgiveness and working towards resolution when the need arises. Making children feel guilty when they offend us or when they err can affect the quality of relationship between the two parties.

It is easy to deal with our self-centred and self-entitled teenagers by reminding them of the cost of our sacrifices. Rubbing this in is a form of guilt tripping. We should remind them of the benefits of the sacrifices we make while encouraging them to learn to serve others too.

Adults

In adults, guilt tripping can manifest as silent treatment (Indirectly suggesting that something is wrong, but staying silent and refusing to communicate). Others cope with difficult situations either by ignoring attempts to discuss issues or showing a lack of interest in solving problems or making things work.

Holding back affection or communication as a way of punishing others is manipulative and builds resentment in others in the long run.

Behind each guilt trip is often an unmet need. This could be a desire to connect, a longing to be understood or a need to be loved. While the underlying need might be valid, expressing it by taking others on a guilt trip exposes our own inadequacies and our need to learn open, honest and assertive communication. 

The writer is a Child Development Expert/ Fellow at Zero-to-three Academy, USA.

E-mail: nanaesi_19@yahoo.co.uk