Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

One of the most important indicators to the health of your marriage is your relationship with your in-laws, especially with your mother-in-law.

Your good relationship with her will promote your marriage. On the other hand, if your mother-in-law hates you, no matter how much you and your spouse love each other, your marriage could be at great risk. 

This is because by Ghanaian culture and tradition, marriage in not about individuals; it about two families. Any member of your spouse’s family, especially your mother-in-law could be a great threat to your marriage. In fact, in Ghana, in-law challenges are said to be among the leading causes of divorce, fifth only to money, children, parenting and sex.

During last year’s Christmas festivities, a young wife of two years who sensed her mother-in-law did not like her for no apparent reason decided to make it up to her. She sent her a hamper containing a Holland-made cloth and jewellery, all valued over GH¢20000. The money was all she had saved for the year. The mother-in-law took the hamper and threw it back to her, saying, “I hate you.”

The problem

You are born into a family or ‘abusua’ for life. When you marry, you become one flesh with your spouse and, therefore, belong to him or her for life. Both mother and wife fight for the same man, because in-law challenges are almost always about women.

Unfortunately, most husbands are unable to draw a good balance. They shift completely to their wives and ignore their mothers. A mother toils to raise a son. She remembers in details the difficulties she went through and sees him as an investment. She sees her son as a ‘little husband’ and her life revolves around him. She wants uninterrupted access to her son. A wife is seen as threat to her bond with her son, no matter how loving and caring she is to her husband and mother-in-law. She may hate her daughter-in-law and accuse her of leeching off her son if the man reduces his support for his mother. She does not care if the wife gets nothing from the man and even spends more in home than her husband.

The feeling of being ignored or losing out to a strange and young woman hurts. Some women confess shedding tears in private when their sons marry. The pain of the mother-in-law is greater if the wife wasn’t her choice, she is divorced or widowed or her own children have bad marriages. If the wife can’t have children, she will demand grandchildren as if children can be picked from the shelves, and even if the fault comes from the man. Many Ghanaian women have used crude methods to find children for their in-laws and keep their marriage.

Some mothers-in-law think it is their responsibly to have a say in their son’s marriage. They think they are showing care when in fact they are meddling in their son’s marriage. Some wives resist interferences in their marriages. Two women fight for the same man and the battle line is drawn. In Akan, some women refer to their mothers-in-law as ‘ase korafo’ or a mother who doubles as in-law and a rival. Some Ghanaian women even believe their mothers-in-law have married their son in the spirit and she is behind all the problems in their marriages. Fake pastors will make you think so.

Do you hate your daughter-in-law?

Accept that when your son marries, you are not responsible for how he runs his marriage. What worked for your marriage may harm his. Therefore, give him space and avoid interfering in his marriage. He is now someone’s husband and it does not matter if you like his wife or not; he has chosen whom to marry. Respect his choice. Respect your daughter-in-law. Love her like your own daughter and help her to respect you.

See your son’s marriage as an opportunity to extend your family; you do not lose a son, you gain a daughter and your son’s marriage makes you part of a new family. If you show love and care, you will strengthen your son’s marriage and get the ripple effect. Never hate your daughter-in-law. Love her unconditionally to make her a good wife to your son.

Email jydboakye@yahoo.com. The writer is the Director of eudoo counseling centre. West Legon. He is also the author of ‘your guide to marriage,love unlimited and the journey of love
Mob 0208181861