Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

It’s a normal day at the office, and you’re hard at work scrolling through Facebook feed when suddenly it blindsides you like an anvil in a cartoon: He. Got. Engaged. What? No. Yes. How? When? Why? Of course, you realize that he’s human and planning to marry someone seems to be what humans do at this stage in your life.

To be honest, though, a part of you never thought this would actually happen, and you definitely never began to foresee this cocktail of emotions that has you stunned and frozen in your desk chair. Here are nine feelings you can expect to experience when he gets a fiancée.

1. Shock
Before you can begin to process any other emotions, you’re going to have to get past this one. Are you living in some bizarro universe? Is this a prank? Why is your whole body tingling?

2. Jealousy
Yes, he once went eight months without taking the trash out. Sure, he called multiple waitresses “babe” in front of you. Still, you guys had something at one point, and that could have been you getting proposed to on a Jumbotron.

3. Anger
Three words just keep running through your mind: W.T.F. Now he decides he doesn’t have a crippling fear of commitment? Now he’s agreed to shave off that horrendous goatee? Where was this guy four years ago? At the very least, he owes you money back for all the “grown-up” work shoes you bought him.

4. Relief
Once you get past the anger and jealousy that comes with the deep-seated thought that that should have been you, you take a deep breath and realize that could have been you. Oof. Those boring stories. That horrible snoring problem. You really dodged a bullet here.

5. Amusement
You wouldn’t normally laugh at someone else’s misfortune, but the thought of this new girl spending an entire lifetime with him and his collection of figurines is even funnier than the fact that you once dated a grown man who collects dolls.

6. Pity
Really, though, this poor girl doesn’t know what she just got into. A part of you wants to message her and tell her you’re there for her the next time he spends 17 hours in a row playing video games. The other part of you realizes all’s fair in love and horrible life decisions.

7. Dread
This engagement bomb is bad enough, but you quickly realize that this is just the beginning. The next year is going to be a parade of their engagement pictures, gushy statuses about each other, and finally, pictures of the big day. You’d consider hiding his feed, but you like knowing what he’s up to and always wish the best for him. (By “the best” you mean that he’ll gain 20 pounds and get fired.)

8. Nostalgia
It was over the day you threw his suitcase out of your car, but this seals the deal once and for all: You guys are permanently done, son. This is a good thing. There’s no doubt about that. Still, that time you guys rode the Ferris wheel on the boardwalk was pretty cute. And no one can make enchiladas like him. You’ll always have that Phish documentary he made you sit through.

9. Smugness
Let him have a wedding. Let her keep posting close ups of the ring. You are a free woman who’s not tied down by anyone. Maybe you’ll go dancing tonight. Maybe this weekend you’ll take a spontaneous trip to Vegas and marry a stranger. Maybe it’s time to step away from his Facebook page.