Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

It is common for couples who have been married for a few years to lose their desire for each other and go months without any sexual intimacy. But newly married ones are supposed to spend nights on end discovering each other, right? Not necessarily.

Sexologists are seeing more and more couples who have been having difficulty consummating their marriage, sometimes even for years. Given that talking about sex is still considered taboo, many choose to remain silent, until, of course, their families start asking them why they aren't having children. This is when they seek medical advice, but doctors usually do not ask the basic question — are you having sex?

 Sex therapist Rajan Bhonsle counsels several such couples and says that non-consummation of marriage is a big problem. "There are many reasons people don't have sex. The biggest reason (in 50% cases) is organic — the man may have erectile dysfunction, low hormones or premature ejaculation, while the woman may have a tight hymen, penetration phobia, or low or no desire for sex," he says.

Couples generally choose to live sans any intimacy out of embarrassment. The pressure to have kids becomes an excuse to seek help. Usually, medical help is sought first, but the couple tells the doctors that they are not having kids, not that they are not having sex. Tests are then conducted, but no issue is found. This is when they consult a sex therapist.

Sexologist Dr AV Lohit sees an average of 20-30 couples a month who have not consummated their marriages. He attributes this to fear, anxiety, misconceptions, habits (masturbating, watching porn) and a lack of sex education. "There are women who don't know the basics of sex — about the private parts and what is going to happen. Many also suffer from a fear of pain during intercourse and are afraid of getting pregnant.

This is the case in around 50%-60% of my clients. One couple had not consummated their marriage for 10 years. They tried having a child through IVF and failed. I counselled them for 4-6 weeks, after which they were finally able to have intercourse."

Dr Lohit adds that this is common even with many software professionals who have access to information and pornography; they are unable to perform due to anxiety.

A point in case is a former colleague of techie Shreya Murthy*. Shreya's friend had an arranged marriage, and both partners, despite being well-educated and otherwise well-informed, didn't quite know what to do on their first night together.

"I remember her telling me about the difficulty that she and her husband had when it came to having sex. It was sheer ignorance. It took them around 4-5 months to finally get it right. Initially, I found it a little strange that in today's day and age, when you can instantly do an online search for just about anything, they couldn't learn what they had to from the internet. But such things do happen," she says.