Filling the fatherhood void

Death, abandonment, incarceration, separation or even emotional detachment are some of the ways by which children can be deprived of maternal or paternal influence or even both. 

Whichever happens, the impact on a child can be deep and long-lasting.

Each parent has a role to play in the life of the child.

Therefore, a nearly irreplaceable void is created. 

When children begin to ask questions about who will talk to them, advise them, play with them or do this or that for them in the absence of a parent, it is easy to overlook their reality.

This should not be.

They should receive truthful answers about who or how the void will be filled.

A father’s absence can have emotional and psychological consequences on a child including struggling with identity and self-esteem.

The need for closure in a circumstance where there are more questions than answers can lead to the build-up of aggression and withdrawal in some children.

The age of the child and their resilience can either make life better or difficult.

Children ‒ whether biological or non-biological ‒ are at risk of having their academic performance and emotional development also hampered.

While parental loss and the circumstances around the loss may be so painful and difficult to even understand or accept, the situation must never define a child’s future.

And this is what every adult around such a child must be committed to ensuring.

Role models

Boys often look to their fathers and learn from them as role models for masculinity.

A father’s absence can therefore lead to confusion or insecurity about male identity and behaviour.

A son is likely to seek male role models elsewhere who may not be the most desirable. 

In the absence of the kind of discipline, motivation and guidance that a father reinforces, some sons stand the risk of becoming stubborn and delinquent.

Insecurity can drive them into the hands of the wrong friends. 

Daughters are not left out. Fathers often influence a girl’s self-worth in the way they relate to them.

When they are present, they set the tone for them on how they should be treated in future relationships with persons of the opposite sex.

A father’s absence can therefore lead to overdependence on male attention as a result of insecurity.

Seeking the validation and attention that they miss, they can also end up in the hands of wrong friends.

This is the reason some girls end up in early romantic relationships which end up sour.

Most girls who are deprived of a father’s physical and emotional  availability may not put up aggressive behaviour like boys do.

They usually internalise their pain and hurt leading to depression, eating disorders and anxiety. 

Asset

A strong, emotionally available mother is an asset in such times.

Her sensitive and resilient nature can serve as the cushion on which the children can lay their uneasy heads which momentarily have to carry the crown of grief and pain.

This maternal buffering is necessaryfor optimal healing.

Families may depend on supportive uncles, teachers, pastors and friends to stand in as father figures for these children.

This is laudable when the right people are invited in. 

Children should be protected from adults who will want to take advantage of their situation and prey on them.

It is not enough to seek father figures for these children.

Due diligence must be done continuously to ensure that both sons and daughters are not sexually abused or initiated into all sorts of untoward behaviour or lifestyle that the absent parent will never endorse or wish for their child.

The writer is a child development expert/Fellow, Zero-To-Three Academy, USA.

E-mail: nanaesi.gaisie@wellchildhaven.com