Sorry, but not sorry

My four-year-old son, Animuonyam, knows it when he is wrong. He has a habit of apologising incessantly. A good habit, right? Frankly, I am sometimes not moved by the apology because I must expect another apology soon.

One day, I told him, “If you are indeed sorry, show me. Do not say it.” 

Being sorry is not always enough. Apologising when we offend others is good. If we are not sorry for saying sorry, however, our apologies may mean nothing to the offended.  

Much has been said and heard of how the devil recruited a host of other like-minded angels to rebel against God. He was hurled down to earth with his entourage after a fierce battle… awaiting final judgment.

The hard question on the minds of many, however, is, “If the devil went back to apologise to God, would he ever be accepted back?”  

Offences are a part of life’s journey. Human as we are, we are bound to wrong others. The words of our mouths may displease others.

What we do may not go down well with everybody. In our daily routines, we will step on a few toes intentionally or unintentionally. This should be a gentle reminder to us that no one is infallible. 

It is human to err. However, it is inhumane to keep erring. When we keep hurting the same people the same way every day, no weight of apology may be genuine enough. It is wrong to keep repeating the same wrong!

Even if the devil takes a chance to go back to apologise, the big question may be, “Is he truly sorry?” When we wrong others and apologise duly, the big question is, “Are we sorry we are sorry?” Have we truly repented?

When we wrong people dear to our hearts a few times, our apology may look sincere. When the wrongs, however, become repeated, those wrongs will look premeditated.

Apologising for cheating on one’s spouse, for instance, may seem genuine. When infidelity, however, becomes one’s daily bread, then, of course, no apology will ever make sense.

Apology is an action. When we are committed to an apology, we do everything within our power to avoid a repetition of it.

When others are dear to our hearts enough, we will be careful in our speech so we do not hurt them. If we are truly committed to a genuine apology, we walk carefully so we do not step on the same toes over and over again.

Apologies do not mean much if you will march down the road that caused the pain. If you apologise in one minute and repeat the same wrong in the next, you make a nonsense of any apology whatsoever.

It takes great maturity to apologise. It, however, takes great wisdom to avoid apologising again.

There is a cause for every pain. Behind every hurt person is a reason. Knowing the root of every pain is as important as one’s apology. Where there is no understanding of the cause, we cannot deal with the effects.

If an apology is going to be a solution, it should tackle the reason for that apology. If you do not know why you are apologising today, there is an extra room of apology for you tomorrow.

A true apology is to uproot the root that causes others pain. If others are grieved by how we speak to them, what matters most is not to apologise after every bout of disrespect shoved in their face. What matters is turning over a new leaf. This means speaking to them gently with some dose of respect.  

When we apologise to others, we always ought to know what we got wrong. Thereafter, a conscious effort should be made to do better next time.

An apology without a sense of knowledge of what went wrong is useless. We are humans, and we will sometimes err. 

However, always erring looks intentional, whether or not we are ignorant of the root of the error. It is only an unrepentant heart that will apologise for vomiting… and go back to vomiting again and again.

Apologies do not mean much if you will march down the road that causes people pain. A true apology causes no more pain to others.

When we are sincere about our apology for a wrong done, it simply means we KNOW what we did wrong and WHY it was wrong and WHY we will not repeat such because it is wrong.

Oftentimes, people apologise from their heads― not hearts― when they wrong others. They keep hurting others because they are not intentional about uprooting the cause of that hurt. 

An apology from the head heals people’s pain temporarily. An apology from the heart, however, does so permanently. When one apologises from their head, they gloss over the cause of the pain.

One who apologises from the heart, however, takes a conscious effort to stay away from anything that will cause the same pain again. 

When you truly love others, causing them pain is the last thing that would ever cross your mind. When they feel hurt, thus, by your actions or words, you find out WHY to know HOW it will not be repeated. That is what a true apology looks like!  

When we apologise from our heads, we go back to inflict more pain. When we apologise from our hearts, we make an effort to change.

When we apologise for a wrong done, we ought to make sure we have understood what caused the pain. After knowing the root, uproot it. If you wrong others, the best apology is to KNOW what you did that caused them grief… and vow never to repeat it.

The devil may one day have the guts to go ask for forgiveness, but whether he would rebel again at the least opportunity is another matter worth considering. Whenever you apologise, be sorry that you are sorry.

Kobina Ansah is the Chief Scribe of Scribe Productions (www.scribeproductions.com) and Scribe Communications (www.scribecommltd.com).