Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

Dear Nana Ama, I am 20 and in SHS Two.  My worries started when my boyfriend asked me whether or not I am a virgin.  I did not tell him the truth because I was afraid he would leave me if I did.

The truth, however, is that when I was 12 my paternal grandfather raped me and told me not to tell anybody, for if I did I would die.  I was so afraid that I didn’t tell anybody about the incident.  On another occasion, he tried repeating the act but for my aunt walking into the room.  I was severely flogged by my aunt and my grandmother.

The whole issue started worrying me all over again when I met the boy I love.  We have been together for a year now and have promised each other to stay pure until the right time.

I am older than him by a year but he doesn’t know about this too.

Meanwhile, I love him and would like him to become my future husband.  But I can’t continue to keep all these guilt to myself.  I’m also afraid that if he gets to know my age he will break my heart because he always advises me to continue to keep my virginity as he is doing.  He is in one of the tertiary institutions in the country.

Nana, I am so worried and confused that I can’t concentrate on anything I do.  Advise me before things move from bad to worse.
Mavis, Apam

Dear Mavis, You are not alone.  There are several people in relationships who are living in constant fear of being found out and losing the object of their love.  It places such a huge burden on the person with a secret, but it goes without saying that telling the truth is the best option.

You are what life makes you, so your boyfriend must love you for who you are now, letting go of a past over which you had no control. However, honesty, trust and respect are key to any successful relationship, while age is considered as a matter of mere numbers by some people. Some, therefore, do not really care about the age difference but it is important to come clean over your age, for example, and it will be if it is meant to, rather than he finding out later.
If he cannot accept you for who you are, then he may have to leave you alone, and I hope you will be better off without him.