Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

In Akan and many other Ghanaian tribes, names like Nyamekye depict our belief that children are the precious gifts of God because they enrich our lives and provide a line of lineage to sustain humanity. 

In Ghana, children are also status symbols and in the past the greater the number of children you had the greater your respect in the society. 

Children are, therefore, the focus of marriage and a marriage without children is seen as a bad omen. 

In fact, in the past barren women were not given decent burials because they were believed to have blocked a lineage. 

All couples are, therefore, anxious to have children from the day they marry. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky no matter how much they love each other or how badly they want children. 

Nature is not perfect and so one in every 10 women can never be a mother.

The problems

When couples in their reproductive years fail to produce a child after one year of adequate (at least three times in a week) uninterrupted and unprotected sexual intercourse, then one or both may have a problem. 

Women account for 40 per cent of the problems. Their common problems include the inability to produce healthy eggs, blockage of fallopian tubes, fibroid and defective uterus rejecting fertilised egg.

 Men also account for 40 per cent of the problems. Their problems include ejaculatory disorders, inability to produce healthy sperms and low sperm count. The remaining 20 per cent of cases are unexplained or unexpected.

Question: If the problem of childlessness is equally shared between men and women, how come almost all Ghanaian married men are fathers? 

Answer: Sadly, Ghanaian men think they are all fertile and could not be the problem.  A woman goes to the hospital, the doctor clears her and asks to see the husband. He refuses and boasts he will prove to the woman he is fertile. 

Consequently, he goes in for a girlfriend who senses his desperation and gives him a child from somewhere. He is happy and pushes the blame on his woman. 

Many wives in their desperation to save their marriages and image simply go out and bring in children. 

A man can be covered but not a woman. Some women come in to confess that all their children are not the biological children of their husbands and live with guilty conscience.

Childlessness is a major underlining cause of most conflicts in marriages. Sex becomes mechanical and unfulfilling. Unfortunately, it is the woman who suffers greatly, even if she is not the problem. She is under stress, frustration and disappointment. 

She suffers stigmatisation and may lose her marriage. In some cases a man thinks he is being magnanimous if he marries other women to get children.

What to do in childless marriage

Have a positive mental attitude. Fear will worsen your situation. Avoid the blame game and team up to find a solution.  

A woman must avoid cheating to bring in children. You must also avoid juju men and fake pastors who attribute every human problem to evil spirits. 

For example, there is a television station in Ghana, which is notorious for allowing fake pastors to make ridiculous claims and false hopes. 

Sometime ago, a fake pastor claimed that any barren woman who buys his anointing oil would have twins! 

Fact is he buys 500cm3 oil for four cedis from the market, puts it in 10cm3 bottles and sells each for GH¢200 cedis. This gives him 2,500 per cent profit. Good business, but sadly highly educated women are falling for it. 

Some women in their desperation strip naked before fake pastors for ‘holy bath’. ‘Body no be firewood’, as the saying goes, and some pastors take their chance. 

About two years, ago a fake pastor in Sunyani claimed that there was a special anointing in his sperms and many desperate women queued for  it. Women!

Have regular sex. Keep busy in the morning afternoon and night. This includes the time a woman is in her period. 

Fact is contrary to our traditional belief, menstrual flow is sterile and does not harm the man or woman. 

Some women who do not normally have orgasm do so during this time because the clitoris becomes sensitive and is easily stimulated. 

Some women with short or irregular menstrual cycles ovulate during their period and you have to go for the kill if you want children (read my book Your Guide to Marriage)

Go for medical check up. You must know the underlying cause to get treated. Avoid local herbs and concoctions that claim to solve every problem. 

There are cases where the problem comes from the man but the woman is made to drink all kinds of concoctions. 

Most of these herbs may worsen your situation and predisposes you to many diseases. 

Men must cooperate. Avoid putting pressure on your wife ‘or else...’

Will you stay?

The most important reason for marriage is companionship because it gives positive self-image, security and peace of mind.  Any other benefit in marriage is just an icing on the cake. 

It is not easy to handle a childless marriage, but if all attempts fail, come to terms with your situation. Worrying about it will affect all areas of your life. 

You may adopt children. Live your life fully and do what brings fulfillment.

There are many things in life that remains a mystery. A woman leads a decent life and has problems having children. Another leads a reckless life and children keep dropping. Sad, but never blame yourself or God. 

Believe your maker knows your beginning from your end. If in His perfect wisdom He does not give you children, believe it is for a good purpose. 

Marriage is meant to be indissoluble and has many amazing benefits. Lack of children does not invalidate marriage but tests your true love for each other. 

The unkindest thing you can do to your spouse is to leave him or her in her moments of desperation when she or he needs you most. 

Stay married and thank God for it, with or without children.

Email judboakye02@yahoo.com The writer is the director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of ‘Your Guide To Marriage, Love Unlimited and The Journey of Love

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