Are you in a bad marriage?
Marriage is very difficult and has a high failure rate. It is the most difficult work in the world because you have to live with someone of different temperament, sexuality and background for life.
A marriage counsellor once said marriage is the only war where the two enemies sleep on the same bed!!
Studies indicate that about 75 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men in marriage feel they married the wrong people.
Most partners, therefore, feel trapped in marriage and don’t know whether to stay or quit.
Signs of a bad marriage
Crises in marriage don’t appear overnight but slowly build up. Marriage experts indicate that in a bad marriage, partners have continuous frustration with emotional needs not being met.
We lose our strong emotions about our partners. We also find reasons to be apart because we feel abused.
There is a feeling of emptiness and general dissatisfaction as habits like dishonesty, intolerance, disrespect, abuse and avoidance increase.
We don’t feel loved or cared for. Our lovers just don’t listen to our concerns or appreciate whatever we do for them.
Research indicates that women often recognise the signs of bad marriages earlier than men because they can read men’s emotions better.
Studies also show that bad marriage is worse for women than men because emotions have a stronger effect on women’s physical conditions than men.
Any perfect marriage?
A Catholic Pope said marriage is made up of two imperfect people. It is, therefore, impossible to have a marriage without conflicts.
Even great men of God like Abraham and David had their share of conflicts. All marriages, therefore, have their seasons of difficulty and times of dryness where one or both partners feel dissatisfied with the relationship. Marriage is conflict and conflict is marriage.
There are good days and bad days, success and failures, good times and bad times. This is life and this is marriage.
In happy times, we think our marriages are the best things that happened to us. In bad times, we ask if we married the right person and if life wouldn’t be better alone or with another.
The fact is, there is nothing like a good or bad marriage. What we describe as a good or a bad marriage is our mental attitude to our marriages.
Making a decision
In choosing between a ‘bad’ marriage and divorce, it is advisable to list both negative and positive attributes in your marriage.
List your blessings. Honestly list them one by one. Most invariably, your positives will be higher, longer and deeper. Simply put, for most people, divorce has never been the solution but the problem.
Research indicates that the majority of couples who have bad marriages but stay on are happier than those who divorce.
Research also shows that 90 per cent of partners who divorce regret their actions and admit their decision was based on emotions and not on logic.
Divorce looks like an easier option but once you quit, it is almost over for you. Your chances get fewer. You and your kids will never be the same. Studies show that most children of broken homes have a higher risk of divorce when they marry.
If you remarry, experts say you have four in five chances of failure because hurts in your previous marriage follow you.
Studies have also shown that the majority of people who divorce admit they were too immature in their decision and wished they had stayed.
Often, the turning part in marriages is when couples hit rock bottom and then work their way upwards. Sometimes marriages must be bad to get better.
Are you in a bad marriage?
With the right information and a positive mental attitude, you can have a happy marriage despite the bad things you encounter in your marriage.
Marriage requires hard work and sacrifice so that you can give true love, support and companionship. We aim at giving our best, not taking only the best from our lovers.
We, therefore, have to take responsibility for our marriage in bad and good times. The good things we do in our marriages will win over the bad things that happen.
We must also show empathy in our marriages. Most of the problems in our marriages will be solved and we can see true happiness if we see problems from the viewpoint of our lovers.
It becomes easier to forgive and heal wounds. With total dedication, commitment and devotion to our relationship, we can be happy as we make sacrifices to live the love we promised and transform our marriages.
In Akan, there is a popular axiom --“aware bone fanyinam sogya”-- which means a single life is better than a bad marriage.
Dare to prove this axiom wrong. Change your focus. Your marriage can be as good as you see it and want it to be.
Be satisfied with your marriage and thank your maker for the gift of participating in this miracle where two people become one flesh.
Make your marriage your most precious treasure. Pour all your heart into it to win.
You can find great contentment and joy in your marriage, even in the midst of difficulties. The difficulties you find in your marriage are just reminders of our imperfections and the need to work hard to overcome difficulties for the growth of our relationship.
As far as possible, never make divorce an option. Akans say that marriage is not like palm wine that you can taste and decide not to buy. Marriage is our maker’s great idea to bless you. It is wonderful and beautiful. Stay blessed in it.
Email: Jydboakye02@yahoo.com
Mobile: 0208181861
