Is your man controlling you?

A fulfilling relationship is one of the best things that can happen to you. It offers companionship, support, unconditional love and shared decisions.

However, all the beauty in a relationship can quickly evaporate if one partner begins to control the other.

In fact, one of the most common reasons relationships fall apart is controlling behaviour.

Why a partner becomes controlling

Studies show that although men are often more controlling than women, anyone can become controlling. It cuts across age, gender, social background and socio-economic status.

Control does not usually appear suddenly; it creeps in gradually. Often, you do not notice it until you are deeply involved. By then, your partner may begin to take you for granted and exert increasing control.

Research also suggests that controlling behaviour is not always intentional. It can stem from insecurity or deep-rooted personal issues. A controlling partner may become emotionally dependent and begin fighting imaginary threats in an attempt to preserve the relationship.

Signs you are in a controlling relationship
• Your partner subtly isolates you from friends and family who provide emotional support. He complains about how often you talk to them or says he does not like them.
• He frequently criticises you and refuses to listen to your side of issues
• He emotionally manipulates you, making you feel guilty or undeserving.
• You begin to give up your opinions and values because you believe your partner “knows better.”
• He is excessively jealous and wants to know every detail of your life.
• He checks your phone, emails or social media and justifies it by saying, “If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.”
• He makes acceptance conditional — asking you to lose weight, leave friends or change associations.
• He pressures you into unhealthy behaviours such as substance abuse or abandoning your career goals.
Over time, you may realise you are losing your identity because you are constantly trying to please your partner.

Dealing with a controlling partner

Stay calm. Ask for explanations and reason with your partner. If you are right, you can communicate your message clearly without aggression.

Sometimes a partner becomes more controlling when he feels you are completely dependent on him. Maintain your independence. Have your own goals, career, passions and personal growth journey.

Calmly express your displeasure when controlling behaviour appears. Help your partner recognise the behaviour and work toward change.

However, understand that change does not happen overnight.

Is your man controlling you?

Never mistake control for love. Love does not require you to lose yourself. Do not assume marriage will automatically fix a controlling behaviour.

If your partner is controlling, do not blame yourself — but do not accept it either. No one can control you unless you allow it. The way you permit someone to treat you shapes how they continue to treat you.

Have a life of your own. Spend time with friends and family who strengthen and support you. Build confidence. Set boundaries. Love your partner, but put limits on what you can tolerate.

If you have made sincere efforts and see no improvement, consider walking away before you lose yourself completely.

Be confident. Be bold. Stand firm. Never surrender your identity in the name of love.

The writer is the Director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. The centre offers, among other services, premarital counselling for couples preparing for marriage.