What are we all looking for?(II)

Last week, I was telling you about my surprise at a pastor’s use of insecticides as an agent for exorcising evil powers. I told you about how he sprayed the chemical into the eyes of his congregants.  Hmm.

I was going to continue with my story but I have had course to share with you some more, on how desperate certain men and women have become, in their quest for solutions to life’s problems – thanks to the many mails most of you sent between last week and today, enlightening me some more on my question, what at all is man looking for?

Jemila in Tema sent me a story of a Zimbabwean pastor who asked his congregants to buy anointed cucumbers based on how big they wanted the sizes of their husbands’ penises to be. The bigger your cucumber, the bigger the size your husband’s appendage would become.

Mercy! In the photograph accompanying the story, I saw a man wielding one of the long, green-skinned fruit with watery flesh which belongs to the gourd family.  His anointed cucumber was quite huge.

 What did he need one for, if indeed the “akwankyer3” was for females only?  Or was it that he twists both ways … as in, was he a gay?  You should see the excitement on the faces of the women who had all lifted in their right hands, huge huge cucumbers.

I am still wondering if they would be able to breathe if such long and wide-mid-sectioned organs were pushed into them.  Would they?  I won’t be surprised to know that a few of these women, who didn’t appear in the photograph, got for themselves, some as huge as elongated melons.  Oh heavens!  What at all are humans looking for?

Mr.  Kojo Afrifa in Obuasi sent me a video of a pastor in Switzerland who ordered church members to remain naked before God can answer their prayers… The pastor was the only person with clothes on during the church service. 

I felt so sad watching the obedient and religion-hungry innocent men and women parading in their birthday suites.  Oh Lord, what is the world coming to?  The numbers of naked persons were huge.  I could only wonder what humans are looking for.

 Sylvia Mantey in Sowutuom sent me a story on how a South African pastor instructed a woman to enter inside a deep freezer that was on a high freezing point and ordered her to fall into deep sleep.

 Thirty minutes later, he opened the freezer and asked the woman to come out. The woman claimed the freezer was warm while she was in there.  Can you imagine?

 Rufus in Akuse sent me a story of a Kenyan-based Nigerian pastor, who admitted that he delivers women by sucking their breasts. The pastor of the Breast and Honey Harvest Church, chose that name for his church because “the spirit lies in the breast of a lady; the more you suck the breast the more you get the fulfilling of the Lord.”

He said demons could be exorcised by sucking the breasts of his female congregants.  Hm, he must be a superiorly healthy man.  Such comfort!

I received several other stories in my inbox, but the one which saddened me most, sent by Eric Tetteh in Takoradi, was that of the Brazilian pastor who made women suck his manhood in church.

He claimed his sperms were holy milk which brought them deliverance from their troubles; those who had issues with their health were made to suck more.  Excuse me, let me go spit and come. 

The thought of the act alone!   Gosh … he was an evangelist too.  The end times are really near.  Which one is “divine seminal fluid”? Which one?  The story though didn’t state whether male congregants were also made to suck. Oh women!  All the likely STDs?  Awwwwww!

Peter Nsiah sent me the story of a pastor who was arrested for abusing his female members.  He claimed to be obeying prophetic instruction to do the will of God, which is to impregnate any one chosen and revealed by the Holy Spirit, irrespective of whether the woman is married or not.

With the married, he claimed he sought the permission of their husbands.  Two of the women who left their husbands to live with the pastor said they did so based on the pastor’s prophetic anointing.  Hmm.

Esivi of Aburi sent me a story of a pastor who made his congregants drink fuel under the pretext that it would turn into pineapple juice in their bellies. 

That same pastor on another occasion made his congregation chew grass like ruminants. One lady said for more than a year, she struggled with a sore throat that only healed after the pastor "turned me into a sheep and instructed me to eat grass."

Another member who suffered a stroke two years ago that left her unable to walk said the grass made her walk again.

Huh, I want to thank each one of you who sent me insightful stories into what man’s quest for his or her maker has landed an “unfortunate some” into.  Hmm. 

The stories were many and I could in no way publish them all.  Kindly allow me to end with Collins Yeboah of Koftown’s. He sent me that of the pastor at Nii Boi Town who went rubbing olive oil on a church member's vagina, clitoris.

He claimed he was casting out evil spirits that had possessed the victim by applying the oil in her private part. After the act, the pastor allegedly attempted to rape the victim but she reportedly shouted for help and managed to escape.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you a happy and restful holiday tomorrow, and successful presidential and parliamentary elections next week.  When you say a prayer, say one for Ghana.  Remain blessed.