There are no two ways about it.
Grief is one of the very worst things one can experience.
It can drain you of strength, happiness and motivation. Grief has the unfortunate ability to make the happiest day seem bleak and dreary.
There is no escaping it.
The grief we feel when we lose a loved one is a terrible mix of emotions that affects every single aspect of one’s life.
Grieving is a journey.
A journey that, while being normal, is difficult to navigate.
Grief is a complex response to loss.
In modern times, grief is said to be in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
They are often experienced in that order, going from disbelief that the person is gone, to anger and annoyance because they are no longer here, to negotiating with the powers that be in a futile bid to reverse the loss, to sadness that they are gone, and then ultimately, grim acceptance that they are no more.
Some people are unable to reach acceptance, instead cycling through the other stages of grief over and over again.
Some people get stuck on a particular stage for a long period of time, and some people do not experience these stages in that order, but may eventually get to acceptance.
Manifest
Grief can manifest in diverse ways. Some feel a deep sadness, others anger or guilt.
Some people have even admitted to feeling anxious or numb while grieving.
Grief affects not only our emotions, but also our physical well-being— leading to fatigue, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, pain and reduced immunity.
Tradition and culture can make it even more difficult for men to grieve.
While women are encouraged to cry and express their sorrow, men are told that “men do not cry” and “men are supposed to swallow the bitter pill”.
Grief is the bitterest of pills and is not one that anyone should be coerced to swallow straight-faced.
Men have a right to grieve just like everyone else! Allow men to grieve.
Men, allow yourselves to grieve.
Suppressing grief is unhealthy, and can lead to grieving for longer than one should. Indeed, suppressing your grief can even lead to mental health conditions, such as, depression and anxiety disorders.
It is an important step to understand that grief, while terrible to bear, is normal and part of this mortal existence we call life.
Navigating grief will require some patience; patience that can be a tall ask for someone who is grieving. There no shortcuts through grief. It must be experienced.
There are ways, however, that can make wading through the waters of grief easier.
Ways
Optimising your physical health is crucial. Be sure to eat well (and healthy!), exercise regularly and ensure that you get enough rest.
Engaging in activities that bring you comfort, such as a hobby you enjoy, or talking to other loved ones, can offer immeasurable gains in the journey through grief.
Then there are those of us who, while grieving ourselves, may also have to offer support to others.
It is an unenviable position to be in, that remains quite necessary. It is important to acknowledge the loss, expressing your sympathies for the tragedy that has befallen your loved one.
Be a listening ear, checking in on as often as you can.
Do not be afraid to mention the special person who was lost and offer whatever help you can.
A grieving person might need some help in planning events such as the funeral or coordinating logistics for the final goodbye.
Offer hope of brighter days ahead.
Be there for them, even if they need to vent or to cry.
Children
It is crucial to note that children do not handle grief the way adults do.
Children are more likely to be angry, sometimes lashing out or acting up.
They may act younger than their age or become increasingly clingy.
Some children have been known to begin bedwetting again after the loss of a loved one.
They may even go to the lengths of imitating the lost person, in a futile bid to keep the lost around.
Grieving children often experience difficulty sleeping, inappropriate guilt, nightmares, and sometimes become afraid of being alone.
Grieving children require patience – boatloads of it.
Be sure to encourage them to remember and talk about their loved one, allowing them to express their feelings freely.
Try to explain the events as best (and gently) you can and try and prepare them for whatever steps have to be taken next.
Physical movements and creative activities can help children express their feelings, especially when they have trouble talking about them.
Remember that grief is a journey.
Do not expect the child to react in the same way as you did.
Always offer a listening, empathetic ear and continue to support them.
Help
Do not forget, of course, that there also always remains the option of seeking professional help in trying times.
There is help out there, professionals who are better equipped to help you through trying times.
Do not decline this important avenue for healing, for the reason of stigmatisation or any other reason.
Seek professional help if it all becomes too much.
You can visit any health facility and ask to speak to somebody.
You could also visit any of the psychiatric (yes, psychiatric!) hospitals for help.
No, this does not mean you are ‘going mad’, it just means you need help.
All in all, grief is a terrible thing to bear. It is natural and a part of human existence, but difficult to go through. No amount of “God knows best” or “They are in the hands of the Creator” or “They are in a better place now” will be enough.
The pain can be immense, but it is important to remember the great times shared more than the unfortunate loss that occurred.
These past few weeks have been difficult for many.
There are many out there grieving and hurting.
Your loved ones, those beautiful people, are not truly lost.
You carry them with you, every day in your hearts and your minds.
Those memories you carry, those moments you shared, shall live on in you and in all the people around you.
As long as those remain, as long as their impacts on lives will be felt, they are not truly gone.
They are with you, always.
The writer is a psychiatrist.
