John Boakye writes: Courtship is hard work not fun

Courtship is a process of developing a closer friendship with the opposite sex, with the idea of a possible marriage.

It is a period to test, examine and evaluate a lover’s inner character, values, interests and life purposes.

Courtship is like the foundation of a house. It is not seen but crucially important. It is, therefore, a time for very hard work.

Unfortunately, most couples abuse courtship and ‘marry before they marry’.

Many men focus on sex while many women focus on money and material things like mobile phones, wigs and dresses. It is only after marriage they find themselves as incompatible strangers. Failure is inevitable.

What to do during courtship

Learn as much as you can about your lover: This includes educational background, family, profession, personality, traits, health status and hobbies.

Also, find out about your lover’s cultural background, favourite foods, attitudes about money, lifestyle and spirituality. You should also find out about your lover’s attitude to work, women and marriage.

It is important to be honest with each other. If you lie, you create a self-wound that prevents you from committing to your relationship.

Tell your partner everything about yourself. Confess your past and let your partner help you to get better. 

If you have luggage, it could get heavier when you marry. Marriage merely carries on your life. You must, therefore, not carry baggage into your marriage.

Set guidelines: This must include improvements in your income, skills and qualifications. It is also advisable partners avoid premarital sex at least some months before marriage so that you can build your trust, self-control and emotions.

Premarital sex is a powerful tool that could put your mental and emotional connection at risk.

Signs of healthy courtship

Partners show great understanding, honesty and commitment. They show appreciation and encouragement and openly talk about themselves.

Partners communicate effectively, resolve conflicts effectively and forgive each other. They are financially stable and they don’t depend on each other.

Partners develop their spirituality and use their faith in God as the cornerstone of their relationship.

Signs of bad courtship

A partner may be selfish and show signs of affection only when his or her needs are met. A man may always want sex and a woman personal benefits like money.

Some partners are critical, controlling and abusive. Others show inequality, intolerance, abuse, immorality and poor communication.
Some lack trust and respect.

Some are in multiple relationships. Others are married and promise to divorce their spouses.

Many partners are not serious about their relationships. They have no vision or mission. They never introduce their lovers to their friends and parents.

Anytime the issue of marriage comes up, they make excuses. Their body language reveals a lack of interest.

Never ignore any weaknesses in your relationship, Never believe a partner will improve when you marry. Work on your weak areas.

All behaviours can be improved within two weeks if you work on them.

Pay attention to how your lover treats you, his friends, colleagues and family members. Find out what others say about him/her.

You may never know everything about your lover. You will also never find a perfect lover because marriage is about imperfect human beings.

However, if you work hard and spend lots of quality time with your lover, you should be able to make an informed decision within six to 12 months. It is not advisable to stay in courtship for a long time.

Decision to marry

Choosing a spouse is a lifetime decision. It is the most important life decision because your choice of partner can make or unmake you for life.

Compare your needs and complementary roles. Be sure you can live with what you don’t like about your partner; otherwise, hug and say goodbye.

Never marry just because you are lonely or need someone to support you. Marry one you can commit your life to after a healthy courtship.

Courtship is hard work not fun

Take a serious look at what happens in your relationship. Is it all about sex, fun and financial support?

Do you have a vision or are you just floating? If you fail to plan you plan to fail. Don’t count on love at first sight, romantic love or soul mates.

Love is not blind. Your marriage will not work because you love each other. It works because you have worked for it through healthy courtship.

Your marriage will, therefore, be as good as you prepare for it. Never see courtship as a time for fun. 

See it as a time to prepare hard for God’s call into marriage to serve him through the sacrifices you make for your love.

Jydboakye01@gmail.com 
0208181861