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Their lovers become their problem and solution. This explains why many clients come in and claim they have never seen a day of happiness since they got into a relationship or marriage. They expect their spouses to make them happy.

Fact, however, is that nobody, including your spouse or anyone else, can make you happy. Only you can because what determines your happiness are your personality, thoughts and behaviour. Happiness can’t be found outside you.

It is only about you. You can, therefore, make yourself happy or sad out of similar circumstances in your marriage.

Some ways to happiness

Have a positive mental attitude about yourself, lover and relationship. If you do not see yourself as good and over-criticise yourself, no one will see you as good. Think fulfilment in your mind’s eye. See it, feel it.

This means while you nurture positive emotions such as empathy, serenity, kindness, mercy, forgiveness, appreciation and gratitude, you thwart negative emotions like pessimism, resentment, fear, anxiety and anger. Each day, keep an optimistic outlook of your relationship. If you focus on the good things in your lover, you will see good things and the negative feelings will diminish.

Have realistic expectations of marriage. Appreciate that it is impossible to have a relationship without conflicts because we are uniquely made with our differences in temperaments, sexuality and backgrounds.

Every human being thinks between 50,000 and 70,000 times a day and you are bound to have different values, needs and aspirations. You may develop negative feelings and fight no matter how much you love each other.

Marriage is the most difficult work in the world and there is nothing like living happily forever in it. Lovers are like porcupines; we love to be close to each other but in doing so, we prick each other.

Conflicts are, therefore, an inevitable part of relationship. The fact that you see conflicts does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship. Your marriage is dead without it. On the other hand, conflicts handled well will spice up your relationship and make you happy.

Sacrifices
Love costs and you pay by the sacrifices you make for your lover. The greater the sacrifices you make, the greater your happiness because true love does not seek its own. Don’t expect your lover to change or meet your needs before you can be happy.

True happiness comes from meeting the needs of your lover even it comes at great cost to you. If you want happiness in your relationship, always invest in it by the sacrifices you make for your lover.

Resolve to be the burden bearer, not the burden. Always remember that in a relationship, it takes only one committed partner to keep it warm, fulfilling and happy. Let it be you.

Be content with your relationship. Avoid holding grudges or nurturing grievances, frustration and bitterness because they harm you emotionally and physically and prevent you from seeing the beauty of your relationship.

At the same time, foster forgiveness because it reduces the power of bad events to create bad events and make you unhappy. Pope John Paul refers to forgiveness as a restoration to freedom. You can be happy only with a forgiving spirit. This means you must forgive your lover unconditionally and deep from your heart.

Are you happy in your marriage?

Happiness is a state of mind. It is not about what your lover does or does not do. The good news is that it is a free and divine gift within you. You only have to awaken the power in you to live in happiness. You must, therefore, put the focus on yourself and live your life fully.

Each day in your marriage, revise what can be improved, resolve what can be settled and cope with what you can’t change. Be at peace with yourself.

Happiness is the most sought-after matter in life but it is very elusive; it is like a butterfly; the more you chase it with sex, money, popularity, academic qualification and achievements, the more it eludes you because what you achieve may not bring an enduring state of happiness.

However if you turn your attention to other things such as kindness, forgiving spirit, appreciation, commitment and prayer, happiness will come and settle on your shoulder.

• The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are not who people think who you are (Goldie Hawn)
• Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions; it is governed by our mental attitude (Dale Carnegie)
• Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. There is going to be stress in life but it is your choice whether to let it affect you or not (Valerie Bertinellli)

Can your spouse make you happy? No, nobody or anything can make you happy. Only you can, because everything you need is inside you.

Don’t wait for your spouse or others to light your fire. You have your own matches to happiness. Choose to light it and be happy. Each day let happiness be your gift to yourself. Then you can be a gift to your spouse and enjoy a happy marriage.