Marriage is very difficult and has a high failure rate. Studies indicate that many people in marriage feel they married the wrong person. Many feel trapped in their marriages.
We often do not know what we want, and we do not know whether to stay or quit.
In Akan, people say, “Emaa yɛ ahuhuro ne awo,” meaning women blow hot and cold.
Signs of a bad marriage
Crises in marriage do not usually appear overnight. They build up slowly. Marriage experts indicate that in a bad marriage, partners experience continuous frustration because their emotional needs are not being met.
We lose the strong emotions we once had for our partners. We also find reasons to be apart because we feel hurt or abused. There is a feeling of emptiness and general dissatisfaction as habits such as dishonesty, intolerance, disrespect, abuse and avoidance increase.
We no longer feel loved or cared for. Our partners do not listen to our concerns or appreciate whatever we do for them.
Is there any perfect marriage?
All marriages have their seasons of difficulty and periods of dryness when one or both partners may feel dissatisfied with the relationship.
There are good days and bad days, successes and failures, good times and difficult times. This is life, and this is marriage.
In happy times, we think our marriages are the best things that ever happened to us. In difficult times, we ask ourselves whether we married the right person and whether life would be better alone or with someone else.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. What we describe as a good or bad marriage is often influenced by our mental attitude towards the marriage and how we respond to its challenges.
Making a decision
In choosing between a ‘bad’ marriage and divorce, it is advisable to list both the negative and positive attributes of your marriage. List your blessings. Honestly write them down, one by one.
For many people, the positives will be higher, longer and deeper than the negatives. Simply put, divorce may not always be the solution; sometimes, it can create another set of problems.
Research has shown that communication and the way couples handle conflict are important factors in relationship quality.
Negative communication is also associated with poorer relationship outcomes and a greater likelihood of relationship dissolution.
Divorce may look like the easier option, but once you quit, life changes. You and your children may never be the same.
Studies have also found that parental divorce can be associated with difficulties for children, including challenges in their own future relationships. However, every family situation is different, and divorce is not necessarily harmful in every case.
If you remarry, the hurts and experiences from a previous marriage can follow you into the new relationship if they are not properly addressed.
Some people who divorce later feel that they made the decision too quickly and wish they had tried harder to save the marriage.
The wiser decision, therefore, may be to stay in a difficult marriage and work on it, provided the marriage is safe, and both partners are willing to work on it.
You can save your ‘bad’ marriage. Often, the turning point in a marriage comes when couples hit rock bottom and decide to work their way upwards. Sometimes marriages must go through difficult periods before they get better.
Any happiness in a bad marriage?
With the right information and a positive mental attitude, you can find happiness in your marriage despite the difficult things you encounter.
Marriage requires hard work and sacrifice so that you can give true love, support and companionship. We should aim at giving our best, rather than taking only the best from our partners.
We therefore have to take responsibility for our marriages in both bad and good times. The good things we do in our marriages can help overcome the bad things that happen in them.
We must also show empathy in our marriages. Many of the problems in our marriages can be addressed when we learn to see those problems from the viewpoint of our partners. It becomes easier to forgive and heal wounds.
With total dedication, commitment and devotion to our relationships, we can find happiness as we make sacrifices to live the love we promised and transform our marriages.
In Akan, there is a popular axiom that says, “Aware bone fanyinam sogya,” which means a single life is better than a bad marriage.
Dare to prove this axiom wrong. Change your focus. Your marriage can become as good as you see it and want it to be.
Be satisfied with your marriage and thank your Maker for the gift of participating in this miracle where two people become one flesh.
Make your marriage your most precious treasure. Pour all your heart into it and do your best to make it work.
You can find great contentment and joy in your marriage even in the midst of difficulties.
The difficulties you encounter in your marriage are reminders of our imperfections and the need to work hard to overcome challenges for the growth of the relationship.
As far as possible, never make divorce the first option. Akan people say marriage is not like palm wine, which you can taste and decide not to buy.
Marriage is our Maker’s great idea to bless us. It is beautiful.
Stay blessed in your marriage.
