Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

In a 2011 study, almost one-quarter of men and nearly 20 percent of women admitted to cheating during their current relationships. More than you probably would have estimated, right? Although infidelity is often seen as the ultimate betrayal, the point of no return for a marriage or other romantic relationship, it’s something quite a few couples experience in their romantic lives. And yes, it is possible to stay together.

As painful as infidelity is, it does not have to be an automatic dealbreaker. Here are five things you can do to get back to a healthy, happy partnership after you or your significant other is unfaithful.

1. Give It Time

When something as serious as cheating happens, chances are you’re not going to be all lovey-dovey again in just a few short weeks. Michael Boman, a therapist who specializes in working with couples who have communication issues, says that time is some of the best medicine for a damaged relationship: “Give the relationship and the partners time to heal. The discovery of an affair is devastating but doesn't have to end the relationship. Reconnect. Talk. Listen. Be there. Be affectionate. Be sexual. Be close. Be loving. Most of all, be honest, upfront, and truthful.”

2. Examine Your Feelings and Needs

If you're the partner that was cheated on, it’s important for you to practice some emotional self-care so you can recover from the hurt you’re likely feeling. That could mean spending time away from your partner (in everyday interactions or by doing something like taking a solo vacation), setting boundaries for contact, or whatever else will give you the headspace to take care of you. If you’re the cheater, you shouldinterrogate yourself and your feelings, while attempting to be accountable and accessible to the partner you cheated on.

3. Get to the Heart of the Issue

Experts say that cheating is most often caused by a missing emotional connection or other unmet need within the relationship, but stress, boredom, low self-esteem, sex addiction, resentment and unresolved conflict can also be contributing factors. Be honest with yourself and your partner about what could have contributed to infidelity within your relationship. Prepare for some intense, tear-filled talks—getting to the bottom of your issues is hard work. The cheater should be ready to do some of the most difficult work, but both of you should be on board.

4. See a Professional

Get yourself a therapist, stat. Couples counseling—or even individualized therapy—can be the best tool to help a relationship recover from a sexual transgression. Kelley Kitley, a licensed clinical social worker who works with couples in Chicago, says, “Often when couples try to work through issues without a professional, they go round and round with little resolution, and might prematurely give up. Having a third party who is neutral and who can avoid the blame game is extremely beneficial.”

5. Apologize...and Forgive

It’s easier said then done, but your relationship will never truly be able to move forward if you don’t forgive your partner. It might take awhile (weeks, months, even years!), but there will be no trust or future connection without forgiveness and acceptance. If you’re the cheater, you’ll need to make serious amends for your behavior—and that doesn’t mean just saying sorry. Actions speak louder than words; you’ll have to really demonstrate to your partner how much you regret your behavior. For some couples, that might mean daily check-ins, access to their partner’s email inbox or texts, or other tangible actions that point towards real remorse.