Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

Divorce is neither easy nor pleasant, and when most couples marry, they do so with the hope of staying together. What, then, is going wrong?

There is no 'perfect partner’, and the 'perfect relationship’ isn’t out there ready-made and waiting for you.

Most importantly, the expectations we have today about finding a partner are unrealistic. We’re constantly encouraged to look out for our 'perfect partner’. This is an incredibly appealing message—it takes us back to childhood fairy stories—and because it’s so attractive and we hear it so often, many of us assume it must be true. In fact, there is no 'perfect partner’, and the 'perfect relationship’ isn’t out there ready-made and waiting for you.

Divorce rates are rising more slowly these days... but what's the key to keeping a marriage together?

A happy and lasting relationship calls for consistent care and attention, and therapists who specialise in couple therapy believe this is based on four principles. The first is mutual trust. Without trust, neither partner can feel relaxed or secure. The second is mutual respect. When each of you is interested in the views and pastimes of the other, you’ll both feel free to express your individuality. The third is a realistic but positive attitude to sorting out problems in your relationship, and the fourth (related) is a willingness on both sides to accept a compromise when solving those problems. How do you go about making these things happen?

Set aside time to listen, really listen, to one another on a regular basis. An hour once a week is an absolute minimum

First, set aside time to listen, really listen, to one another on a regular basis. An hour once a week is an absolute minimum; most therapists suggest you set aside some time every day. Even 10 minutes will make a difference. Turn off your devices, take equal turns, listen quietly, and try to withhold criticism. This may feel awkward at first, however, if you persist, you’ll feel closer to your partner and more valued yourself.

Second, when problems arise, arrange a time to talk through possible solutions. If an issue is highly emotive and you’re worried that a discussion may descend into a shouting match, then do your talking in a restaurant or café, somewhere public, where social rules encourage civility.

Third, exchange positive favours instead of criticising your partner’s failures. This technique, where each partner makes a 'wish list’ of what they would like the other to do, is used in many forms of couples therapy. It deflects the focus from what each partner does not do, and instead encourages each to choose ways to please the other.

Finally, although it’s great to spend time together pursuing mutual interests; it’s as least as important to encourage one another to develop your own pastimes. This demonstrates trust, it allows each of you to express your individuality, and it means there will be lots to talk about when you’re together.