Good & Healthy Relationship Advice & Tips

Today marriage has become a battlefield with most spouses being casualties. Sociologists warn that if marriage continues to break down at the present rate, there will be no more marriages left by the end of this century.

The sad picture today is that only 20 per cent of marriages work, while 60 per cent of marriages fail. This leaves us with 20 per cent marriages which are lifeless.

Imagine the case of a staunch Christian couple married for 10 years. Their problems started only a year into their marriage but they made no effort to work at it. Today after church they sleep in separate rooms and cook separately.

The marriage is lifeless but goes on just for convenience; the woman keeps her ring, the title ‘Mrs’ and comfortable accommodation. 

The couple gets the social status of being married even when they know the marriage is dead and gone.

Signs you are in a lifeless marriage

You ignore your instinct that your marriage isn’t working but you do not trust that quiet and calm internal voice. Instead you tend to go with the loud voice in your head that you must keep things as they are. 

Your selfish nature makes you focus on your needs but not on the needs of your partner.

You and your spouse talk only about your kids, work and finances but not about yourselves, your thoughts, hopes and dreams. 

Friendship the foundation of marriage erodes as you try to find excuses not be around each other. A partner spends long hours watching TV because he or she does not want to talk about anything. 

You avoid each other and distract yourself by keeping the needs of others above yours. 

You may keep fighting for your siblings and friends but not yours. You lead parallel lives. You talk to your friends and family member about your hopes, plans and activities but not your spouse. He or she is the last to hear of what you do.

You stop fighting but feel further away from each other. You do not listen or feel heard. There is no drama nor fighting. The love may still be there but the spark is gone. 

You fantasise a happy life without your spouse and convince yourself you do not care anymore so that separation may feel less painful.

You and your spouse haven’t had sex for months even when you have no medical reason to do so. 

Sex makes marriage a reality because it is the only intimate thing a couple can do to the exclusion of all other persons. 

It is the deepest form of communication and the strongest bonding agent. When you stop it, it becomes an underlying factor to all other problems including poor intimacy and marital dissatisfaction. 

If couples are annoyed with each other, in nine out of ten cases they haven’t had sex for a long time.

Is your marriage lifeless?

Take a close look at your marriage. If it is lifeless you know it and have three options. The first option is to maintain your lifeless state; you are unwilling to discuss your problems or even acknowledge you are in crisis. 

You may think you have done your best and give up. You blame your partner or even spiritualise your problem. You create mistrust, suspicion, tension, fear, loneness anxiety and hurt which may give rise to physical, mental and spiritual problems. 

It is believed that the majority of our women in our mental homes are those who stayed in lifeless marriages but did nothing about it.

The second option is to leave the marriage. Divorce may appear an easy option but once you leave, it is almost over with you. You suffer physically, emotionally, financially, socially and spiritually. 

Today, over 90 per cent of partners who divorce regret it and wished they had been more patient and worked at their marriages. 

A psychologist refers to divorce as a major surgery without anaesthesia. Never make divorce an option because it has never been a solution but always the problem.

The third and best option is to work and put back sparkle in your marriage. You may complain about your marriage but believe it or not your marriage is normal. Have a realistic view that all marriages are difficult but will work if you work at it.

Make yourself happy without looking up to your spouse. Appreciate your differences and the fact that you can not change your spouse but can make him or her better as you love him or her. 

Put the focus on yourself and each day do what works better in your marriage.

Be great friends and show affection and gratitude on a regular basis. Communicate effectively and make mutual decisions. Treat all conflicts as normal and learn to forgive each other. 

It is also important you put sex on schedule-whatever time and day you choose. 

Partners who have regular sex feel closer and more intimate. The good news is that you can have enjoyable, thriving and thrilling marriage. You deserve it. 

Resolve not to be in a lifeless marriage.

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