Feeling valued in childhood has been found to be the bedrock of resilience in life.
This has given rise to a concept known as mattering in early childhood.
To matter means more than to be present or included.
It means to feel seen, valued, and significant to others.
In childhood, this sense of mattering is foundational.
It shapes how a child understands themselves, relates to others, and engages with the world.
When children grow up knowing they matter, they carry a quiet confidence and emotional stability that benefits them throughout life.
Childhood is the period when the brain undergoes rapid development and a sense of self is also being formed.
Though they may not voice it, somewhere in their brains, children constantly seek to know whether they matter, are valued or whether they are of any significance.
The answers they receive through adult responses, attention, tone, and care become internalised beliefs.
Boundaries
A few years ago, children were only to be seen and not heard. Parents believed that they needed to establish such boundaries to build respect.
Some even deliberately ignored and dismissed children, thinking that it was the way to prevent children from feeling pampered.
Pampering focuses on excessive comfort, indulgence, or protection from discomfort, often to keep the child happy in the short term.
Children do not need constant indulgence to feel valued. In fact, over-pampering can undermine the very resilience and self-worth that mattering is meant to build.
A pampered child is shielded from frustration or failure.
This is the child who gets frequent rewards without effort, and will have rules bent for them to avoid distress.
They hardly experience natural consequences because their parents/ caregivers have a swift intervention to protect their comfort.
We risk raising children with low frustration tolerance.
Such children end up self-entitled with weak emotional regulation.
Failure and disappointments are major blows that they are unable to cope with.
Self-worth
What we know today is that when a child feels they matter, the brain is impacted positively.
Such children develop healthy self-worth.
They are more emotionally secure and can cope better with stress and failure in life.
These are the children who are more likely to form healthy relationships as they go along in life.
This is evident when the adults they love listen to them, make eye contact and respond to their words and emotions.
Validating their feelings even when correcting them, offering reliable caregiving and giving them age-appropriate responsibilities are all ways by which children can be made to feel valued.
Conversely, when children feel invisible, ignored, or insignificant, they may grow up doubting their value, seeking validation in unhealthy ways, or struggling with anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.
This can be a real struggle when they reach their teenage years.
Belonging, mattering
Belonging and mattering are related, but not identical.
While belonging answers the question: “Do I fit in?”
Mattering answers the deeper question: “Do I count?”
A child may belong to a family, classroom, or group, yet still feel insignificant if their voice is ignored or their presence makes little difference. Belonging is about inclusion; mattering is about significance.
A child who matters knows that their absence would be noticed and they will be missed.
Their feelings are taken seriously and their presence adds value.
True well-being requires both belonging and mattering, but mattering is the stronger protective factor for mental and emotional health.
Mattering is not optional. It is a developmental necessity.
When children are valued, listened to, and acknowledged, their brains, identities, and futures are shaped for strength and well-being.
By nurturing mattering, we build healthier families, communities, and societies for generations to come.
The writer is a child development expert/Fellow of the Zero-To-Three Academy, USA.
E-mail: nanaesi.gaisie@wellchildhaven.com
