A psychology expert’s guide to creating the right social network, finding lasting friendships

It’s no secret that developing and maintaining healthy relationships is a huge driver for happiness and longevity.

An 87-year-long Harvard study found that social fitness is the No. 1 thing that leads to a long and happy life.

“When you boil it all down, building the right social network is arguably the most powerful thing you can do to add good years to your life and be happy,” Dan Buettner, an expert who researches longevity in “blue zones,” said on his podcast.

Buettner interviewed Vanessa Van Edwards, a psychology expert who teaches research-backed people skills, to learn the “roadmap for building the right social network.”

Here’s what Van Edwards recommends for making friendships that last.

6 tips for creating the right social network for you

To find your community, it’s important to keep in mind that you won’t click with every single person you meet, Van Edwards said.

“You don’t have to be friends with everyone,” she said. “You’re looking for your person that answers in a way that you’re like, ‘Wow I feel kinship with you. I feel connection with you. I understand this.’”

Van Edwards doesn’t suggest trying to make friendships work with people who you don’t feel you can be your authentic self around. “I think ambivalent relationships are like ‘social sugar,’ like that’s something you want to limit in your diet as much as possible,” she said.

Here are some tips that Van Edwards shared for creating lasting friendships that make you happy:

1. Make a list of the places that fuel you, and the places that drain you. Then consider the same for the people in your life: Who fuels you? Who drains you?

2. Think of what your “watering holes” are. “This is a place or a topic that fills you. Ideally it’s something you enjoy doing, or it’s something you could learn to do,” she said.

3. Go on a quest. Commit to trying something new, by yourself or with someone else, that’s going to become a great anecdote you can share with others.

4. Reach out to people like former classmates from college or neighbors, and invite them to your watering holes or talk to them about your quests.

5. Ask interesting questions and avoid small talk when you’re meeting people you find intriguing or reconnecting with old friends. Consider asking, “Are you working on anything exciting these days?” or
“Do you have any fun plans coming up?”

6. Be intentional about the types of friends you want to make.

"Pretend that [in] every room you enter, there is a friend just waiting for you,” Van Edwards said.

"With that assumption, you have more confidence, you have more intention and it is easier to make friends.”